"So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct? "

happy birthday america, its the fourth of july and i really hope that something good happens tonight. there's a lot of addictions i wish i could kick, and a lot of activities i wish i could take up. but i am not a strong person, i am a lazy "easy-way-out" kind of guy and i too am surprised i'm not fat. i need to get in better shape. maybe a little exercising in the morning, a nice jog to start my day. eating right, and staying healthy. all that southern california jazz. aside from that, i have been working on my short little novel. but i really don't want to go to much into that. i do want to start making short 30 minute movies of ideas i have. when i start making movies, i really want to try and run characters from the one previous to it somehow in it in some small way, just to show my audience that everything i do is connected, and that everything i do is basically my own little world. maybe in one move the protagonist is a waiter, and in the next he takes the order or that protagonist who is a car sales man, and in the next he is the guy the next protagonist finds cheating on his wife. trippy shit like that. i think the installment of my short movies is going to be along the lines of what i thought of today. it's going to be about a guy who is, well a waiter, but lives a life of submission to everyone and everything around him. but at night he offers his body up to paying people for top dollar to be brutally wailed on till near death. the hero, or anti-hero since i love that kind of character so much, will basically have a sexual fetish for getting the shit kicked out of him. in turn for letting someone beat him up, he gets money, a trip to the hospital if needed, and a little turned on. it's probably going to be about drugs, sex, and the problems of letting everyone walk all over you. it's still just an idea though and may never even get written. but if it does it will be the first installment of my mini movie series. then next summer i want to start working on Karma Police (a movie i've been writing for sometime now).

for those of you wondering what my tattoo on my arm is: Om Mani Padme Hum

it is a mantra which translated to english means "Hail to the Jewel of the Lotus"

but also each character stands for different paramitas, or qualities

Om the first character is the paramita of Meditation and Bliss. It purifies Pride.

Ma is the paramita of Patience. It purifies Jealousy and Lust. 

Ni is the paramita of Discipline. It purifies Passion and Desire. 

Pad is the paramita of Wisdom. It purifies Stupidity and Prejudice.

Me is the paramita of Generosity. It purifies Poverty and Possessiveness. 

Hum is the paramita of Diligence. It purifies Aggression and Hatred. 

something i would like to try to follow in my life. 

“Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words”

wow, so again i did the same thing i did yesterday today, but today it seemed a little less fulfilling. i just stayed home again avoiding having to use gas, and really, i'm tired of it. i want to go out and stuff, but there wasn't much going on, that and my phone is out of batteries with my only charger being a car one. well i hope fourth of july will be a good one. i can't wait to move out again, but it will be harder to find some roommates that won't annoy me much. thats okay, everything seems to unravel itself slowly but surely. so i can wait. 

“Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.”

life isn't so bad when your tripping on numerous disney characters dancing to songs in-front of your red eyes. it was a good night last night, one i needed very badly. perhaps the reason i hate my parents a lot is because there old. not just of age, but of heart as well. maybe i'm just so afraid of getting older, becoming responsible, and losing free-will to this money drive society. maybe that is why i resent so many things, maybe that is why i rebel. maybe that is why i want there to be a revolution. i don't want to get older, i don't want to be depended on, a bread winner, a husband with responsibilities who has to say, "sorry guys i promise my wife i'd do _______ today." speaking of women problems, there is this new girl at my work, cutest thing i've seen in such a long time. at work, i've been there long enough (9 months) to where i can talk to people so casually there, but i feel so nervous just trying to introduce myself to her. i'm not being at all stalker-ish or creepy (at least in my mind) i'm just being that nervous little boy trapped in side me who gets butterflies over a cute girl. but thats fucking just life isn't it. not to sound creepy again, but i really love my dog. not in the same way i love a girl, but in the way that i can count on it when i'm lonely and sad to come up and lick my fingers or just lay next to me when i sleep. just the comfort and warmth of another living thing helps me out. human contact is such an important thing, and i don't really have much of that right now. maybe it's me being lazy, maybe it's gas prices jerking my chain, i don't know which one. maybe all i do is blame things instead of take action. i am a pacifists. i am a passive aggressive revolutionist. i am a lazy son of a bitch who needs to get off his ass and practice what he preaches.

[Edit 10:49:22]

i have to say that it has been a pretty relaxing day, aside from the nagging of my mother. i didn't do much at all today, and i have no complaints. i was feeling pretty tired and out of gas to do anything really. so days you just can't help but want to spend some alone time with yourself, even though your friends invited you to numerous things. but its okay really, to be happy with being alone. i don't find any shame in it at all. i feel empowered as a matter of fact, that i can do things alone. people can laugh and call me a loser if they must when they see me eating or watching a movie by myself, but i just feel sorry for them. there so insecure with themselves that they need someone there constantly, even with something that is more so a solitary thing (like watching a movie, do you really need to be next to two people you know when you watch a movie to enjoy it? really?). i like a bit of me time sometimes, it's good on the gas. i mean there are plenty of other days that i can hang out with my friends. but what with work, and the band, and all that jazz, sometimes i just want to be alone with myself. makes me feel a little more independent.

i am registered for my classes this fall semester. it's going to be tough but i think i can pull through again

so far i got

ECON 180 - Microeconomics (droping) 

ENGL 127 - Scriptwriting

FILM 110 - Video Workshop

MATH 010 - Elementary Algebra (Dumb-Ass) 

MUS 100 - Hist & Appre of Music

PSYC 175 - Human Sexuality 2 

there you have it 18 units of fun. it's pretty well balanced i think, 2 general classes, 2 film related classes, 2 fun classes. not to bad, i hope i make the dean's list again, but i'm shooting for the presidents list.

i'm working on a bunch of new songs, hope to have them done soon

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

i have a show today, at 5:30. it's going to be alright i guess, i don't know. shows just make me realize how little friends i truly have. but thats okay, that not really that important, to have people there to support what you do. i guess. it's funny that everyones parents but mine are always at these things. it's funny that every time there is an event like this in my life, i don't really have the support from my parents to begin with. but i hate them right, so why do i care? call it the little boy inside me desperately pleading for love and affection. i miss the past a lot, which is idiotic because if you just dwell on that, you really are missing the future as well. it hurts to be happy i think. cause if your happy, then sadness is this unexpected failure in your life, that moment when you lose that happiness. if your sad, then your know its coming eventually. oh god did i just do a johnny cusack say anything quote. well, it is an 80's classic. and peter gabriel's in your eyes is a pretty good song. great i'm rambling about an 80's date movie. well anyways i better ready for my show, i still have a little bit more tickets left to sell

[Edit 3:19:55]

have you ever just wanted to die?

"Please fasten your seat belts as we begin our terminal descent into oblivion."

so much hate, in something so small

[edit  7:56:56]

why does everyone feel the need to announce how drunk and belligerent they are? what is it in the facebook/myspace/iPhone age that makes us want to tell the world that we are fucked up? that we are ready to fuck anyone up? what's so cool about being wasted, about having no control of yourself, let alone what's makes us want to tell everyone that. does it help us climb the social hierarchy when we change our status to drunk/stoned/crunk/fucked up? are we suppose to think more of these people, are we suppose to say "that fucker knows how to have a good time, i want to hang out with him/her."?  i think it's just ridiculous, not the act of drinking/getting high but the act of letting everyone on the internet know that. it's just like the annoying drunk chick at a party who everyone just wants to shut the fuck up, except know one can try and fuck you from the internet.

i need to start using my camera again, posts are just a little dry without a picture or two. there's a lot of things i want to buy, but there is just so much i need at the moment, so it really makes the wants weight less then the needs, which is life. but who follows that pattern anyways. i really need out of my house, but in fear that my dad is a fucking nosy son of a bitch and tries to read and search everything i have, i won't say anymore. but i need to get as far away from here as i can, for my own good. i want a motorcycle, it be so much easier on gas, and i can always keep my car from when i need to carry stuff. i need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. i want to take guitar lessons so i can get better and do stuff of my own. i need to sell all my tickets from my concert before tomorrow. i want a girlfriend. i need a good friend. i need some new friends. i really want to start writing short stories, you know that shit thats based off life experiences, but i don't know if i have it in me to write anything good, and i'm no good at satire.  

" I, like God, do not play with dice and I don't believe in coincidences"

i just met the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she was just a dream, but she was perfect, a little piece of everything i wanted, from girls i've come across in life. she was beautiful, but in a subtle way, no make up or crazy hair, all natural. her face had a bit of a monotonous look to it, but when she smiled, you can tell she really cared about something, and the only times she really smiled where when she was me, she was foraying, from either italy or france i can't remember,  and her body wasn't great, but it was modest. she enjoyed almost everything i enjoyed, but most of all she enjoyed me. i don't know if it was gay of me to just write down my dream, and if it is then oh well, but honestly, it was a good feeling. i hate when you dream up this perfect life, this perfect situation, this perfect girl, only to wake and find out your still stuck in your shit hole. i started to read choke last night, i hope i finish it before the movie comes out (july i think). registration is today and it was suppose to start at 6:00 but turns out there maintenance from 6:00 to 10:00. nice timing i guess. i really want to start playing world of warcraft again, i don't know why, all these talks with one of my co-workers just gave me a really bad itch for it. i really could use some inspiration in my life, more so motivation. i need something that will get me through the day with ease. something that will get me through the day with a smile

"Let's just all sell our souls and work for Satan. It'll be easier that way."

ever take a step back from your life, go into third person to really look at where you are and what your doing? are you ever disappointed at where your life currently stands. wonder what it be like if you made different choices, decided to take risks, be less timid in situations. American Beauty is a great movie, and i recommend it anyone who hasn't seen it. that movie has a really good meaning behind it, but it also makes me want to start smoking pot again really bad. i mean today has been nothing but signs saying i should start up again. i mean i could use the r&r it gives, a break from reality. i mean day in day out, my job is becoming less of a teenage trail, and more of an adult prison. my boss was talking to me about learning new trades, and how it will help rather then just being a cashier. to say i have experience in other potions, that i know the different flush systems of a toilet, or how to set up a fan in your house, or the difference between wine and rose. but fuck it, do i really want that. do i really want to say that i can do those things, that this is my job, my habit, my life. interesting enough, i almost let myself be content with mediocrity. depressing as it sounds, i was about to be fine working the job i had in high-school, rise the ranks, be nothing special, and die at the age of 19. i don't want to die just yet. i think im going to travel soon, to some place i just never been to, with a friend or by myself, i really couldn't answer you that, not right now at least. i think im going to do a lot of things this summer actually, hopefully ill stick to them though. i've lost touch with my inner will to live, and thats sad. i should take more risks, meet more people, do more things with my life, shit, i should smoke pot again, although that will probably make me more lazy then i already am, hmm, its going to be a long road