its been awhile since ive been here, its been awhile since i found the time.

i rather not go looking for insights of my current mood by saying a quote that is relevant to me feeling at the moment. for one i have almost fully embrace the fact that the moment is the moment, and once its gone, you miss it. you can have past records; photos, memories, etc. but once you lived that single moment of you life, you can never go back to it again. and once you fully except that as an inevitability, then will you be able to learn and move on. why do we constantly make the same mistakes trying to fix what we did wrong before. we try to make up for something that already has happened. or we try to find solace in what we felt that moment and try to recreate it. it will never come back, no matter if we get the people, place, and time right, we can never go back to feeling how we first felt that time when that thing just happened. never. it may take me some more forethought and a good will to fully comprehend this idea, but once i grasp it,  the sky really is the limit. i mean once i am able to constantly learn, and not create the imperfection of human error over, and over, and over again, will i then be able to live life to the fullest. i cant go back and fix anything, or anyone from what they where. and i am truly sorry if i ever did that to you. i have nothing more but a shear sense of respect and dignity to give to you. and though you may never believe nor accept it, i want you too to realize that i shall never change, and that youll never be able to fix me. its just a terrible cycle we are forced to face as people. but hopefully one day we can learn to just accept who we are, and forgive what we are not.

only fools make anything of themselves

-Dovstoiesky

"It's like going to heaven and finding out God smokes crack"

i can't wait to be a father, i think i can wait on marriage though. but to be a dad, i mean it's going to be great. i'm going to care for my kid so much, spoil them with attention while there young, then just try and be a role model when they get older. it's hard to have authority and be a friend. but, at the same time, i'm scared of having a kid. i mean, that's such a big responsibility. and how do i go about sheltering them? the world is such an ugly place for something so beautiful to live in. do i sugar coat it, or do i let it rot? either way they will find out, and i am not ready for that. the day my child learns what a terrible place the world can be sometimes, i don't know what to tell them. do i say that everything will be okay, cause everyone knows that's just a lie. things really don't get better as you get older, and i'm not try to sound pessimistic at all, but it's semi-true. it's hard to really be happy now a days, thats why people have television, material things, hobbies, drugs, addictions, things to keep there mind of the inevitable. i don't want my kid to have depression like i do. i pray they don't. that they grow up happy, and i'll do my best to make sure they do. i mean i'll be mean when i have to be, but for the most part i'll do my best to be there best friend when there little. and to actually take an active part in there life, when they still want it. i really want a son, but does "daddys little girl" sound so sweet to me

in this day in age people always look down on things. pretty much everything in the world sucks or is stupid/ugly/gay. sometimes somethings are all our guilty pleasures that we won't admit to. 

there's nothing wrong with love

just like there's nothing wrong with pop music

"When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear."

life can be so simple and yet so wonderful

it's funny, you meet people, and then one day, there really out of your life. it becomes i "knew" this girl before. friends become acquaintances, lovers become foes, workers to comrades, and the cycle continues. wouldn't it be nice if everyone just got along with everyone else? no need for awkward  silence. no need to break the ice. the thrill of the chase lost. what if we got it all wrong, what if the greeks and the romans had it right. they where a far advance civilization. maybe there religion was right on the dot, and we some how fucked it up over destroying valuable texts. what if they had cures for diseases that seem incurable, what if they had devices that aloud us to travel faster, be more efficient with our bodies energies, had amazing math equations we never dreamt of, and we foolish destroyed it all. what if we never left the dark ages? true those great empires have fallen, but doesn't intellect always succumb to strength. when your out of strategies, who will win the nerd or the jock? maybe we have it all wrong.

do the old gods still listen?

"I am an idiot walking on a tight rope of fortune and fame"

honestly, i really am trying to find excuses to write in this thing, but frankly, there is nothing in my life. i could talk about the band, about my job, about my vicarious actions to the world, but there is nothing important, nothing worth wasting a breath, or in this instance, your time. i would like to make a block-buster movie of a gang war where Morgan Freeman is the leader of an "black panthers" type group against Sean Connery and a group of "british hooligans." fuck you, i think it will sell big. i wish i could live every dream i ever said i had. i wish i could say that i did that, or that i was there. i wish i did more with myself. i really love my guitar. it's my new best friend. i would rather waste my days with her, then with no one. i think i would be completely alone if i didn't find comfort in that, world of warcraft, and my dog. i want to know that i still bleed still, because i haven't let myself get hurt in a long time.

i wish i could be her friend still, not because i miss it that much, but because i feel bad for her. i think that what she really could use in a genuine friend that doesn't judge her or talks bad about her. but i don't know if i can. it's not that it hurts to talk to her, it's just she is annoying and dependent, and she is self-centered, and worse of all, she hates herself. it's hard to be friends with someone who is completely miserable, and to know you can't really do much for her. she was special to me before, i swear to god we had something, i won't lie. it's just time changes things, and people grow up or don't. maybe one day she'll grow up too, and we can get lunch or something, until then, i don't think i can handle her.

i have a huge like toward really pretty acoustic guitars and songs. the simple stuff like neutral milk hotel, to some complex like iron and wine. but you can really make songs beautiful with an acoustic guitar. i need to get guitar lessons, not for the band, but for me to enjoy doing stuff more. i want to just pick up a guitar and make something, doesn't have to be good or nothing, but some little jam. that be nice. i mean i can hear it in my head, i just need to figure out what makes that sound.

i thought i had nothing to say, i guess i had a lot on my mind. what scares me really, is death. i mean when your a boy who's turned his back on his faith. you fear more and more what comes next. if i where to die, will that be it? do i just go to a whole in the ground, i mean i wouldn't really know, all my organs will be shut off, i wouldn't exist. so therefore i have nothing be afraid of, because there is nothing next, in theory. i mean i could fear not growing old, finding love, settling down, the joys of being a father, seeing the world, but i mean, it wouldn't matter, i'd be dead. my aunt died recently, and i am sad about it, but i am also content with it. i mean, she was a good person, she had a lot of faith, she went through the struggle and hardships like a true hero. and i'm proud to say she was a fighter. i mean, there are so many worse ways she could of gone, but at least i know, she was content with things. she defiantly is an inspiration with the whole fear of death thing. i will miss her of coarse,  but i would like to get to the point where i'm confident to say that i'm happy to have known such a wonderful person.

he yawns.

she yawns as well.

she yawns because she's bored.

he yawns because he can't sleep anymore.

she  yawns.

and he yawns as well.

he yawns because he's tired.

the girl that he slept with sleeps too soon at night.

when she yawns she tells the truth.

that the boy she adores is just a man she's contracted to.

and what of you and me.

admit that you're bored.

you're bored of electricity.

i've had enough of love.

it just ends with two yawns of unison.

"I'm damaged bad at best"

i had the weirdest dream. in my dreams there's always a girl. but what was going on was just weird. kurk, these two girls, and i was playing this game where you role dice, take different colored cocaine, and make crack with it in a vial. it was really weird. also i had a fear that i got a beautiful girl, but my credit card wouldn't work for the hotel we are in. i also just so happened to be an amazing frisbee player.

i really am getting tired of my job. i wouldn't mind a change, but its hard in this economy now-a-days. times are really getting rough. prices are going up, and my stimulus check never made it to me. america is going straight down to hell. first stop, the great depression two. how could such a powerful country, be so fucking ignorant. i guess with great power, comes great stupidity. 

"So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct? "

happy birthday america, its the fourth of july and i really hope that something good happens tonight. there's a lot of addictions i wish i could kick, and a lot of activities i wish i could take up. but i am not a strong person, i am a lazy "easy-way-out" kind of guy and i too am surprised i'm not fat. i need to get in better shape. maybe a little exercising in the morning, a nice jog to start my day. eating right, and staying healthy. all that southern california jazz. aside from that, i have been working on my short little novel. but i really don't want to go to much into that. i do want to start making short 30 minute movies of ideas i have. when i start making movies, i really want to try and run characters from the one previous to it somehow in it in some small way, just to show my audience that everything i do is connected, and that everything i do is basically my own little world. maybe in one move the protagonist is a waiter, and in the next he takes the order or that protagonist who is a car sales man, and in the next he is the guy the next protagonist finds cheating on his wife. trippy shit like that. i think the installment of my short movies is going to be along the lines of what i thought of today. it's going to be about a guy who is, well a waiter, but lives a life of submission to everyone and everything around him. but at night he offers his body up to paying people for top dollar to be brutally wailed on till near death. the hero, or anti-hero since i love that kind of character so much, will basically have a sexual fetish for getting the shit kicked out of him. in turn for letting someone beat him up, he gets money, a trip to the hospital if needed, and a little turned on. it's probably going to be about drugs, sex, and the problems of letting everyone walk all over you. it's still just an idea though and may never even get written. but if it does it will be the first installment of my mini movie series. then next summer i want to start working on Karma Police (a movie i've been writing for sometime now).

for those of you wondering what my tattoo on my arm is: Om Mani Padme Hum

it is a mantra which translated to english means "Hail to the Jewel of the Lotus"

but also each character stands for different paramitas, or qualities

Om the first character is the paramita of Meditation and Bliss. It purifies Pride.

Ma is the paramita of Patience. It purifies Jealousy and Lust. 

Ni is the paramita of Discipline. It purifies Passion and Desire. 

Pad is the paramita of Wisdom. It purifies Stupidity and Prejudice.

Me is the paramita of Generosity. It purifies Poverty and Possessiveness. 

Hum is the paramita of Diligence. It purifies Aggression and Hatred. 

something i would like to try to follow in my life.