a sad soul can kill quicker than a germ - john steinbeck

i guess really, i guess really all i want to do here is just express my enter most feelings and emotions about things that i currently am dealing with. selfish, maybe, but well if you aren't interested then don't read. it's sad really when the time of livejournal used to be about letting go of yourself to the entire world. i almost miss that feeling of being able to just say what i want to say about anything to everyone and that they would in turn know my secretes. the most comforting thing about having a psychiatrist was being able to just let go of everything to a complete stranger who i would never see or encounter outside of his office. that was a surreal feeling of trust and relief. it's hard to let go to your friends, even your close ones. you think to yourself, will they judge me, will they tell others, will they even fucking care. and i've found times when i really didn't care about what was happening to a friend. hell i don't really give a shit about what most of my friends say (not saying all of them, just most). it's hard to let go in this day and age, truly, but there is no better time then the present so,

today was a terrible day, as most of the days of my life are. i found that the older you get, the harder it is to get out of a rut. work, sleep, work, sleep, i'm losing friends to a cash register and stiff futon. my new best friend is myself, and myself isn't a very good influence. today my mom wanted to me to move out again. i swear to God she begs me to move in, and out of a stuck of stupid luck and shear laziness my room mate moves out and i don't want to bother looking for a new one. so i come home, and home has just been a complete nightmare. i'm secluded away from everyone and everything in my life, closer to the one thing i don't want to be close to, my parents. i've lost my friends to an endless freeway. i mean the nerve of someone to bring me back home, give me no room, no privacy, no internal state of self peace. then to say i want you out, it's all really ridiculous to me. i can't say i had a good childhood. i can't say i had good teen years. i fucking beg to christ i can say that everything is going to be uphill now, but it's hard to break momentum. the only thing my parents thought me is what not to do when raising kids. i'm not going to spoil them with material things rather the time and attention. i'm not going to seclude them from the world, from making friends, to feeling small and scared. i'm not going to move them school to school to school and have them make new friends and lose others. i'm not going to make them wait hours as they watch the other kids get picked up and go home, then be sent to the office because the teachers watching need to go home as well. i'm not going to hurt my kids, tell them lies, make them hate themselves for never being able to be perfect, to get all A's no matter how hard they tried, talk them down, tell them they'll never amount to anything, tell them they are worthless, make them feel petty, insecure, and meaningless. i am not going to make my kids go through that. kids only look up to you so long until they find themselves. i used to be full of life, energetic, a hell raiser at school, but always polite to adults. i remember when i got my first pink slip in kindergarden, i remember being beaten, i remember being told that because of this i'll never get into college, i'll never have a good job, i'll never be anything. oh, i fucking remember the crying, the fear, the pain. the term "scared straight" never had more meaning to me. and maybe i was a fuck up, maybe i did do things the way i wasn't suppose to, but fuck i was a kid, just a damn kid. i guess my parents thought i never would learn unless i was thought a lesson. well it worked, i still have that lesson stuck to me. now i'm a depressed 19 year old boy living in a home of bad memories. the people i hold most dear to me aren't last very long, with my aunt who took me in when i was kicked out gone, and my grandfather who stood up for me all the time in the hospital, it seems like my saviors are becoming scarce. the hardest part, is that no matter how hard i try to get there love, i never will. i don't think i'll ever come to terms with that. they've influenced me more then they think. i've learned from my parents, how to let someone step all over you, how to hold your feelings in till it burst into pure anger, how to buy love with material things, how to lie, cheat, and steal, how to smoke and not let anyone know, how to cheat on someone you say you love, how to throw around meaningful words with such caress, how to hate myself. i've learned all these things from my parents. i could honestly go on with things but, i rather save some stuff for later