if you cant see the thin air then what the hell is in your way

don't get me wrong. i mean i do suffer from depression as do both my parents, but don't get me wrong i'm not a sad or dray person at all. infact i like to think i mask the sorrow pretty well given the situations i end up in. i know that some days you can completely tell that there is something up, and i do apologize. no one likes hanging around a gloomy person, it doesn't really help to make your day better. i think the best way of fighting depression is just living life and having a good time. enjoy the things you do and never regret the mistakes you make, all that corny bullshit like that. i don't know how or why, but i have become such an insomniac. i haven't slept earlier then two in over three days, and i haven't woken up any later then eight. six hours ain't that bad though, thats the average for most.

god i love my little brother, he is so young and innocent, and fucking smart. then again he does go to a school of people who aren't very smart. but still, he does have a brain. but it sucks, i see him going through some of the same shit i went through, luckily he has his brain though so it's not so bad. he's a good kid, he just doesn't have any emotions yet, its really annoying. he's a mischievous hell raiser just like i used to be, but instead he doesn't have manners at all, even around adults. but i think he'll turn out alright, so long as my parents don't fuck him up too. i haven't done a lot of things i said i would do, like start exercising, eating right, reading every night, practicing sets every night. i don't think i have any motivation in this house. i have nothing to call my own here, i can't write anything anywhere, i mean, i need some inspiration in my life, i need some motivation.

kurk is right about one thing, i am pretty pathetic when it comes to girls. i mean i've talked to some girls after allison, but it's been two years and i never took anything seriously. i really need to work on moving on, its been way to long since i had a girlfriend, and i am really ready to move on. but for christ sakes give me a brilliant mind, aesthetics are the least of my worries (don't get me wrong, she still has to be decent), give me a girl i actually want to talk to, that won't just gossip and tell me about her day. who isn't into herself or vain. give me a girl i can trust, someone who has no intention of hurting me on purpose. i mean it's been two years, but im still not going to settle. i just need to start looking, i need to keep an open mind to things, start meeting new people talking to new people, that stuff. i mean i miss the romance, i miss just being there for someone, i miss someone being there for me, i miss that security, that warmth of human contact. i don't know, maybe, hopefully, someday soon i'll meet my girl.