"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

i have a show today, at 5:30. it's going to be alright i guess, i don't know. shows just make me realize how little friends i truly have. but thats okay, that not really that important, to have people there to support what you do. i guess. it's funny that everyones parents but mine are always at these things. it's funny that every time there is an event like this in my life, i don't really have the support from my parents to begin with. but i hate them right, so why do i care? call it the little boy inside me desperately pleading for love and affection. i miss the past a lot, which is idiotic because if you just dwell on that, you really are missing the future as well. it hurts to be happy i think. cause if your happy, then sadness is this unexpected failure in your life, that moment when you lose that happiness. if your sad, then your know its coming eventually. oh god did i just do a johnny cusack say anything quote. well, it is an 80's classic. and peter gabriel's in your eyes is a pretty good song. great i'm rambling about an 80's date movie. well anyways i better ready for my show, i still have a little bit more tickets left to sell

[Edit 3:19:55]

have you ever just wanted to die?

"Please fasten your seat belts as we begin our terminal descent into oblivion."

so much hate, in something so small

[edit  7:56:56]

why does everyone feel the need to announce how drunk and belligerent they are? what is it in the facebook/myspace/iPhone age that makes us want to tell the world that we are fucked up? that we are ready to fuck anyone up? what's so cool about being wasted, about having no control of yourself, let alone what's makes us want to tell everyone that. does it help us climb the social hierarchy when we change our status to drunk/stoned/crunk/fucked up? are we suppose to think more of these people, are we suppose to say "that fucker knows how to have a good time, i want to hang out with him/her."?  i think it's just ridiculous, not the act of drinking/getting high but the act of letting everyone on the internet know that. it's just like the annoying drunk chick at a party who everyone just wants to shut the fuck up, except know one can try and fuck you from the internet.

i need to start using my camera again, posts are just a little dry without a picture or two. there's a lot of things i want to buy, but there is just so much i need at the moment, so it really makes the wants weight less then the needs, which is life. but who follows that pattern anyways. i really need out of my house, but in fear that my dad is a fucking nosy son of a bitch and tries to read and search everything i have, i won't say anymore. but i need to get as far away from here as i can, for my own good. i want a motorcycle, it be so much easier on gas, and i can always keep my car from when i need to carry stuff. i need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. i want to take guitar lessons so i can get better and do stuff of my own. i need to sell all my tickets from my concert before tomorrow. i want a girlfriend. i need a good friend. i need some new friends. i really want to start writing short stories, you know that shit thats based off life experiences, but i don't know if i have it in me to write anything good, and i'm no good at satire.  

" I, like God, do not play with dice and I don't believe in coincidences"

i just met the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she was just a dream, but she was perfect, a little piece of everything i wanted, from girls i've come across in life. she was beautiful, but in a subtle way, no make up or crazy hair, all natural. her face had a bit of a monotonous look to it, but when she smiled, you can tell she really cared about something, and the only times she really smiled where when she was me, she was foraying, from either italy or france i can't remember,  and her body wasn't great, but it was modest. she enjoyed almost everything i enjoyed, but most of all she enjoyed me. i don't know if it was gay of me to just write down my dream, and if it is then oh well, but honestly, it was a good feeling. i hate when you dream up this perfect life, this perfect situation, this perfect girl, only to wake and find out your still stuck in your shit hole. i started to read choke last night, i hope i finish it before the movie comes out (july i think). registration is today and it was suppose to start at 6:00 but turns out there maintenance from 6:00 to 10:00. nice timing i guess. i really want to start playing world of warcraft again, i don't know why, all these talks with one of my co-workers just gave me a really bad itch for it. i really could use some inspiration in my life, more so motivation. i need something that will get me through the day with ease. something that will get me through the day with a smile

"Let's just all sell our souls and work for Satan. It'll be easier that way."

ever take a step back from your life, go into third person to really look at where you are and what your doing? are you ever disappointed at where your life currently stands. wonder what it be like if you made different choices, decided to take risks, be less timid in situations. American Beauty is a great movie, and i recommend it anyone who hasn't seen it. that movie has a really good meaning behind it, but it also makes me want to start smoking pot again really bad. i mean today has been nothing but signs saying i should start up again. i mean i could use the r&r it gives, a break from reality. i mean day in day out, my job is becoming less of a teenage trail, and more of an adult prison. my boss was talking to me about learning new trades, and how it will help rather then just being a cashier. to say i have experience in other potions, that i know the different flush systems of a toilet, or how to set up a fan in your house, or the difference between wine and rose. but fuck it, do i really want that. do i really want to say that i can do those things, that this is my job, my habit, my life. interesting enough, i almost let myself be content with mediocrity. depressing as it sounds, i was about to be fine working the job i had in high-school, rise the ranks, be nothing special, and die at the age of 19. i don't want to die just yet. i think im going to travel soon, to some place i just never been to, with a friend or by myself, i really couldn't answer you that, not right now at least. i think im going to do a lot of things this summer actually, hopefully ill stick to them though. i've lost touch with my inner will to live, and thats sad. i should take more risks, meet more people, do more things with my life, shit, i should smoke pot again, although that will probably make me more lazy then i already am, hmm, its going to be a long road

if you cant see the thin air then what the hell is in your way

don't get me wrong. i mean i do suffer from depression as do both my parents, but don't get me wrong i'm not a sad or dray person at all. infact i like to think i mask the sorrow pretty well given the situations i end up in. i know that some days you can completely tell that there is something up, and i do apologize. no one likes hanging around a gloomy person, it doesn't really help to make your day better. i think the best way of fighting depression is just living life and having a good time. enjoy the things you do and never regret the mistakes you make, all that corny bullshit like that. i don't know how or why, but i have become such an insomniac. i haven't slept earlier then two in over three days, and i haven't woken up any later then eight. six hours ain't that bad though, thats the average for most.

god i love my little brother, he is so young and innocent, and fucking smart. then again he does go to a school of people who aren't very smart. but still, he does have a brain. but it sucks, i see him going through some of the same shit i went through, luckily he has his brain though so it's not so bad. he's a good kid, he just doesn't have any emotions yet, its really annoying. he's a mischievous hell raiser just like i used to be, but instead he doesn't have manners at all, even around adults. but i think he'll turn out alright, so long as my parents don't fuck him up too. i haven't done a lot of things i said i would do, like start exercising, eating right, reading every night, practicing sets every night. i don't think i have any motivation in this house. i have nothing to call my own here, i can't write anything anywhere, i mean, i need some inspiration in my life, i need some motivation.

kurk is right about one thing, i am pretty pathetic when it comes to girls. i mean i've talked to some girls after allison, but it's been two years and i never took anything seriously. i really need to work on moving on, its been way to long since i had a girlfriend, and i am really ready to move on. but for christ sakes give me a brilliant mind, aesthetics are the least of my worries (don't get me wrong, she still has to be decent), give me a girl i actually want to talk to, that won't just gossip and tell me about her day. who isn't into herself or vain. give me a girl i can trust, someone who has no intention of hurting me on purpose. i mean it's been two years, but im still not going to settle. i just need to start looking, i need to keep an open mind to things, start meeting new people talking to new people, that stuff. i mean i miss the romance, i miss just being there for someone, i miss someone being there for me, i miss that security, that warmth of human contact. i don't know, maybe, hopefully, someday soon i'll meet my girl.

a sad soul can kill quicker than a germ - john steinbeck

i guess really, i guess really all i want to do here is just express my enter most feelings and emotions about things that i currently am dealing with. selfish, maybe, but well if you aren't interested then don't read. it's sad really when the time of livejournal used to be about letting go of yourself to the entire world. i almost miss that feeling of being able to just say what i want to say about anything to everyone and that they would in turn know my secretes. the most comforting thing about having a psychiatrist was being able to just let go of everything to a complete stranger who i would never see or encounter outside of his office. that was a surreal feeling of trust and relief. it's hard to let go to your friends, even your close ones. you think to yourself, will they judge me, will they tell others, will they even fucking care. and i've found times when i really didn't care about what was happening to a friend. hell i don't really give a shit about what most of my friends say (not saying all of them, just most). it's hard to let go in this day and age, truly, but there is no better time then the present so,

today was a terrible day, as most of the days of my life are. i found that the older you get, the harder it is to get out of a rut. work, sleep, work, sleep, i'm losing friends to a cash register and stiff futon. my new best friend is myself, and myself isn't a very good influence. today my mom wanted to me to move out again. i swear to God she begs me to move in, and out of a stuck of stupid luck and shear laziness my room mate moves out and i don't want to bother looking for a new one. so i come home, and home has just been a complete nightmare. i'm secluded away from everyone and everything in my life, closer to the one thing i don't want to be close to, my parents. i've lost my friends to an endless freeway. i mean the nerve of someone to bring me back home, give me no room, no privacy, no internal state of self peace. then to say i want you out, it's all really ridiculous to me. i can't say i had a good childhood. i can't say i had good teen years. i fucking beg to christ i can say that everything is going to be uphill now, but it's hard to break momentum. the only thing my parents thought me is what not to do when raising kids. i'm not going to spoil them with material things rather the time and attention. i'm not going to seclude them from the world, from making friends, to feeling small and scared. i'm not going to move them school to school to school and have them make new friends and lose others. i'm not going to make them wait hours as they watch the other kids get picked up and go home, then be sent to the office because the teachers watching need to go home as well. i'm not going to hurt my kids, tell them lies, make them hate themselves for never being able to be perfect, to get all A's no matter how hard they tried, talk them down, tell them they'll never amount to anything, tell them they are worthless, make them feel petty, insecure, and meaningless. i am not going to make my kids go through that. kids only look up to you so long until they find themselves. i used to be full of life, energetic, a hell raiser at school, but always polite to adults. i remember when i got my first pink slip in kindergarden, i remember being beaten, i remember being told that because of this i'll never get into college, i'll never have a good job, i'll never be anything. oh, i fucking remember the crying, the fear, the pain. the term "scared straight" never had more meaning to me. and maybe i was a fuck up, maybe i did do things the way i wasn't suppose to, but fuck i was a kid, just a damn kid. i guess my parents thought i never would learn unless i was thought a lesson. well it worked, i still have that lesson stuck to me. now i'm a depressed 19 year old boy living in a home of bad memories. the people i hold most dear to me aren't last very long, with my aunt who took me in when i was kicked out gone, and my grandfather who stood up for me all the time in the hospital, it seems like my saviors are becoming scarce. the hardest part, is that no matter how hard i try to get there love, i never will. i don't think i'll ever come to terms with that. they've influenced me more then they think. i've learned from my parents, how to let someone step all over you, how to hold your feelings in till it burst into pure anger, how to buy love with material things, how to lie, cheat, and steal, how to smoke and not let anyone know, how to cheat on someone you say you love, how to throw around meaningful words with such caress, how to hate myself. i've learned all these things from my parents. i could honestly go on with things but, i rather save some stuff for later