i'm so conflicted

its been awhile since ive been here, its been awhile since i found the time.

i rather not go looking for insights of my current mood by saying a quote that is relevant to me feeling at the moment. for one i have almost fully embrace the fact that the moment is the moment, and once its gone, you miss it. you can have past records; photos, memories, etc. but once you lived that single moment of you life, you can never go back to it again. and once you fully except that as an inevitability, then will you be able to learn and move on. why do we constantly make the same mistakes trying to fix what we did wrong before. we try to make up for something that already has happened. or we try to find solace in what we felt that moment and try to recreate it. it will never come back, no matter if we get the people, place, and time right, we can never go back to feeling how we first felt that time when that thing just happened. never. it may take me some more forethought and a good will to fully comprehend this idea, but once i grasp it,  the sky really is the limit. i mean once i am able to constantly learn, and not create the imperfection of human error over, and over, and over again, will i then be able to live life to the fullest. i cant go back and fix anything, or anyone from what they where. and i am truly sorry if i ever did that to you. i have nothing more but a shear sense of respect and dignity to give to you. and though you may never believe nor accept it, i want you too to realize that i shall never change, and that youll never be able to fix me. its just a terrible cycle we are forced to face as people. but hopefully one day we can learn to just accept who we are, and forgive what we are not.

only fools make anything of themselves

-Dovstoiesky

"It's like going to heaven and finding out God smokes crack"

i can't wait to be a father, i think i can wait on marriage though. but to be a dad, i mean it's going to be great. i'm going to care for my kid so much, spoil them with attention while there young, then just try and be a role model when they get older. it's hard to have authority and be a friend. but, at the same time, i'm scared of having a kid. i mean, that's such a big responsibility. and how do i go about sheltering them? the world is such an ugly place for something so beautiful to live in. do i sugar coat it, or do i let it rot? either way they will find out, and i am not ready for that. the day my child learns what a terrible place the world can be sometimes, i don't know what to tell them. do i say that everything will be okay, cause everyone knows that's just a lie. things really don't get better as you get older, and i'm not try to sound pessimistic at all, but it's semi-true. it's hard to really be happy now a days, thats why people have television, material things, hobbies, drugs, addictions, things to keep there mind of the inevitable. i don't want my kid to have depression like i do. i pray they don't. that they grow up happy, and i'll do my best to make sure they do. i mean i'll be mean when i have to be, but for the most part i'll do my best to be there best friend when there little. and to actually take an active part in there life, when they still want it. i really want a son, but does "daddys little girl" sound so sweet to me

in this day in age people always look down on things. pretty much everything in the world sucks or is stupid/ugly/gay. sometimes somethings are all our guilty pleasures that we won't admit to. 

there's nothing wrong with love

just like there's nothing wrong with pop music

"When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear."

life can be so simple and yet so wonderful

it's funny, you meet people, and then one day, there really out of your life. it becomes i "knew" this girl before. friends become acquaintances, lovers become foes, workers to comrades, and the cycle continues. wouldn't it be nice if everyone just got along with everyone else? no need for awkward  silence. no need to break the ice. the thrill of the chase lost. what if we got it all wrong, what if the greeks and the romans had it right. they where a far advance civilization. maybe there religion was right on the dot, and we some how fucked it up over destroying valuable texts. what if they had cures for diseases that seem incurable, what if they had devices that aloud us to travel faster, be more efficient with our bodies energies, had amazing math equations we never dreamt of, and we foolish destroyed it all. what if we never left the dark ages? true those great empires have fallen, but doesn't intellect always succumb to strength. when your out of strategies, who will win the nerd or the jock? maybe we have it all wrong.

do the old gods still listen?

"I am an idiot walking on a tight rope of fortune and fame"

honestly, i really am trying to find excuses to write in this thing, but frankly, there is nothing in my life. i could talk about the band, about my job, about my vicarious actions to the world, but there is nothing important, nothing worth wasting a breath, or in this instance, your time. i would like to make a block-buster movie of a gang war where Morgan Freeman is the leader of an "black panthers" type group against Sean Connery and a group of "british hooligans." fuck you, i think it will sell big. i wish i could live every dream i ever said i had. i wish i could say that i did that, or that i was there. i wish i did more with myself. i really love my guitar. it's my new best friend. i would rather waste my days with her, then with no one. i think i would be completely alone if i didn't find comfort in that, world of warcraft, and my dog. i want to know that i still bleed still, because i haven't let myself get hurt in a long time.

i wish i could be her friend still, not because i miss it that much, but because i feel bad for her. i think that what she really could use in a genuine friend that doesn't judge her or talks bad about her. but i don't know if i can. it's not that it hurts to talk to her, it's just she is annoying and dependent, and she is self-centered, and worse of all, she hates herself. it's hard to be friends with someone who is completely miserable, and to know you can't really do much for her. she was special to me before, i swear to god we had something, i won't lie. it's just time changes things, and people grow up or don't. maybe one day she'll grow up too, and we can get lunch or something, until then, i don't think i can handle her.

i have a huge like toward really pretty acoustic guitars and songs. the simple stuff like neutral milk hotel, to some complex like iron and wine. but you can really make songs beautiful with an acoustic guitar. i need to get guitar lessons, not for the band, but for me to enjoy doing stuff more. i want to just pick up a guitar and make something, doesn't have to be good or nothing, but some little jam. that be nice. i mean i can hear it in my head, i just need to figure out what makes that sound.

i thought i had nothing to say, i guess i had a lot on my mind. what scares me really, is death. i mean when your a boy who's turned his back on his faith. you fear more and more what comes next. if i where to die, will that be it? do i just go to a whole in the ground, i mean i wouldn't really know, all my organs will be shut off, i wouldn't exist. so therefore i have nothing be afraid of, because there is nothing next, in theory. i mean i could fear not growing old, finding love, settling down, the joys of being a father, seeing the world, but i mean, it wouldn't matter, i'd be dead. my aunt died recently, and i am sad about it, but i am also content with it. i mean, she was a good person, she had a lot of faith, she went through the struggle and hardships like a true hero. and i'm proud to say she was a fighter. i mean, there are so many worse ways she could of gone, but at least i know, she was content with things. she defiantly is an inspiration with the whole fear of death thing. i will miss her of coarse,  but i would like to get to the point where i'm confident to say that i'm happy to have known such a wonderful person.

he yawns.

she yawns as well.

she yawns because she's bored.

he yawns because he can't sleep anymore.

she  yawns.

and he yawns as well.

he yawns because he's tired.

the girl that he slept with sleeps too soon at night.

when she yawns she tells the truth.

that the boy she adores is just a man she's contracted to.

and what of you and me.

admit that you're bored.

you're bored of electricity.

i've had enough of love.

it just ends with two yawns of unison.

"I'm damaged bad at best"

i had the weirdest dream. in my dreams there's always a girl. but what was going on was just weird. kurk, these two girls, and i was playing this game where you role dice, take different colored cocaine, and make crack with it in a vial. it was really weird. also i had a fear that i got a beautiful girl, but my credit card wouldn't work for the hotel we are in. i also just so happened to be an amazing frisbee player.

i really am getting tired of my job. i wouldn't mind a change, but its hard in this economy now-a-days. times are really getting rough. prices are going up, and my stimulus check never made it to me. america is going straight down to hell. first stop, the great depression two. how could such a powerful country, be so fucking ignorant. i guess with great power, comes great stupidity. 

"So I really am important? How I feel when I'm drunk is correct? "

happy birthday america, its the fourth of july and i really hope that something good happens tonight. there's a lot of addictions i wish i could kick, and a lot of activities i wish i could take up. but i am not a strong person, i am a lazy "easy-way-out" kind of guy and i too am surprised i'm not fat. i need to get in better shape. maybe a little exercising in the morning, a nice jog to start my day. eating right, and staying healthy. all that southern california jazz. aside from that, i have been working on my short little novel. but i really don't want to go to much into that. i do want to start making short 30 minute movies of ideas i have. when i start making movies, i really want to try and run characters from the one previous to it somehow in it in some small way, just to show my audience that everything i do is connected, and that everything i do is basically my own little world. maybe in one move the protagonist is a waiter, and in the next he takes the order or that protagonist who is a car sales man, and in the next he is the guy the next protagonist finds cheating on his wife. trippy shit like that. i think the installment of my short movies is going to be along the lines of what i thought of today. it's going to be about a guy who is, well a waiter, but lives a life of submission to everyone and everything around him. but at night he offers his body up to paying people for top dollar to be brutally wailed on till near death. the hero, or anti-hero since i love that kind of character so much, will basically have a sexual fetish for getting the shit kicked out of him. in turn for letting someone beat him up, he gets money, a trip to the hospital if needed, and a little turned on. it's probably going to be about drugs, sex, and the problems of letting everyone walk all over you. it's still just an idea though and may never even get written. but if it does it will be the first installment of my mini movie series. then next summer i want to start working on Karma Police (a movie i've been writing for sometime now).

for those of you wondering what my tattoo on my arm is: Om Mani Padme Hum

it is a mantra which translated to english means "Hail to the Jewel of the Lotus"

but also each character stands for different paramitas, or qualities

Om the first character is the paramita of Meditation and Bliss. It purifies Pride.

Ma is the paramita of Patience. It purifies Jealousy and Lust. 

Ni is the paramita of Discipline. It purifies Passion and Desire. 

Pad is the paramita of Wisdom. It purifies Stupidity and Prejudice.

Me is the paramita of Generosity. It purifies Poverty and Possessiveness. 

Hum is the paramita of Diligence. It purifies Aggression and Hatred. 

something i would like to try to follow in my life. 

“Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words”

wow, so again i did the same thing i did yesterday today, but today it seemed a little less fulfilling. i just stayed home again avoiding having to use gas, and really, i'm tired of it. i want to go out and stuff, but there wasn't much going on, that and my phone is out of batteries with my only charger being a car one. well i hope fourth of july will be a good one. i can't wait to move out again, but it will be harder to find some roommates that won't annoy me much. thats okay, everything seems to unravel itself slowly but surely. so i can wait. 

“Adults are just obsolete children and the hell with them.”

life isn't so bad when your tripping on numerous disney characters dancing to songs in-front of your red eyes. it was a good night last night, one i needed very badly. perhaps the reason i hate my parents a lot is because there old. not just of age, but of heart as well. maybe i'm just so afraid of getting older, becoming responsible, and losing free-will to this money drive society. maybe that is why i resent so many things, maybe that is why i rebel. maybe that is why i want there to be a revolution. i don't want to get older, i don't want to be depended on, a bread winner, a husband with responsibilities who has to say, "sorry guys i promise my wife i'd do _______ today." speaking of women problems, there is this new girl at my work, cutest thing i've seen in such a long time. at work, i've been there long enough (9 months) to where i can talk to people so casually there, but i feel so nervous just trying to introduce myself to her. i'm not being at all stalker-ish or creepy (at least in my mind) i'm just being that nervous little boy trapped in side me who gets butterflies over a cute girl. but thats fucking just life isn't it. not to sound creepy again, but i really love my dog. not in the same way i love a girl, but in the way that i can count on it when i'm lonely and sad to come up and lick my fingers or just lay next to me when i sleep. just the comfort and warmth of another living thing helps me out. human contact is such an important thing, and i don't really have much of that right now. maybe it's me being lazy, maybe it's gas prices jerking my chain, i don't know which one. maybe all i do is blame things instead of take action. i am a pacifists. i am a passive aggressive revolutionist. i am a lazy son of a bitch who needs to get off his ass and practice what he preaches.

[Edit 10:49:22]

i have to say that it has been a pretty relaxing day, aside from the nagging of my mother. i didn't do much at all today, and i have no complaints. i was feeling pretty tired and out of gas to do anything really. so days you just can't help but want to spend some alone time with yourself, even though your friends invited you to numerous things. but its okay really, to be happy with being alone. i don't find any shame in it at all. i feel empowered as a matter of fact, that i can do things alone. people can laugh and call me a loser if they must when they see me eating or watching a movie by myself, but i just feel sorry for them. there so insecure with themselves that they need someone there constantly, even with something that is more so a solitary thing (like watching a movie, do you really need to be next to two people you know when you watch a movie to enjoy it? really?). i like a bit of me time sometimes, it's good on the gas. i mean there are plenty of other days that i can hang out with my friends. but what with work, and the band, and all that jazz, sometimes i just want to be alone with myself. makes me feel a little more independent.

i am registered for my classes this fall semester. it's going to be tough but i think i can pull through again

so far i got

ECON 180 - Microeconomics (droping) 

ENGL 127 - Scriptwriting

FILM 110 - Video Workshop

MATH 010 - Elementary Algebra (Dumb-Ass) 

MUS 100 - Hist & Appre of Music

PSYC 175 - Human Sexuality 2 

there you have it 18 units of fun. it's pretty well balanced i think, 2 general classes, 2 film related classes, 2 fun classes. not to bad, i hope i make the dean's list again, but i'm shooting for the presidents list.

i'm working on a bunch of new songs, hope to have them done soon

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

i have a show today, at 5:30. it's going to be alright i guess, i don't know. shows just make me realize how little friends i truly have. but thats okay, that not really that important, to have people there to support what you do. i guess. it's funny that everyones parents but mine are always at these things. it's funny that every time there is an event like this in my life, i don't really have the support from my parents to begin with. but i hate them right, so why do i care? call it the little boy inside me desperately pleading for love and affection. i miss the past a lot, which is idiotic because if you just dwell on that, you really are missing the future as well. it hurts to be happy i think. cause if your happy, then sadness is this unexpected failure in your life, that moment when you lose that happiness. if your sad, then your know its coming eventually. oh god did i just do a johnny cusack say anything quote. well, it is an 80's classic. and peter gabriel's in your eyes is a pretty good song. great i'm rambling about an 80's date movie. well anyways i better ready for my show, i still have a little bit more tickets left to sell

[Edit 3:19:55]

have you ever just wanted to die?

"Please fasten your seat belts as we begin our terminal descent into oblivion."

so much hate, in something so small

[edit  7:56:56]

why does everyone feel the need to announce how drunk and belligerent they are? what is it in the facebook/myspace/iPhone age that makes us want to tell the world that we are fucked up? that we are ready to fuck anyone up? what's so cool about being wasted, about having no control of yourself, let alone what's makes us want to tell everyone that. does it help us climb the social hierarchy when we change our status to drunk/stoned/crunk/fucked up? are we suppose to think more of these people, are we suppose to say "that fucker knows how to have a good time, i want to hang out with him/her."?  i think it's just ridiculous, not the act of drinking/getting high but the act of letting everyone on the internet know that. it's just like the annoying drunk chick at a party who everyone just wants to shut the fuck up, except know one can try and fuck you from the internet.

i need to start using my camera again, posts are just a little dry without a picture or two. there's a lot of things i want to buy, but there is just so much i need at the moment, so it really makes the wants weight less then the needs, which is life. but who follows that pattern anyways. i really need out of my house, but in fear that my dad is a fucking nosy son of a bitch and tries to read and search everything i have, i won't say anymore. but i need to get as far away from here as i can, for my own good. i want a motorcycle, it be so much easier on gas, and i can always keep my car from when i need to carry stuff. i need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. i want to take guitar lessons so i can get better and do stuff of my own. i need to sell all my tickets from my concert before tomorrow. i want a girlfriend. i need a good friend. i need some new friends. i really want to start writing short stories, you know that shit thats based off life experiences, but i don't know if i have it in me to write anything good, and i'm no good at satire.  

" I, like God, do not play with dice and I don't believe in coincidences"

i just met the girl of my dreams, unfortunately she was just a dream, but she was perfect, a little piece of everything i wanted, from girls i've come across in life. she was beautiful, but in a subtle way, no make up or crazy hair, all natural. her face had a bit of a monotonous look to it, but when she smiled, you can tell she really cared about something, and the only times she really smiled where when she was me, she was foraying, from either italy or france i can't remember,  and her body wasn't great, but it was modest. she enjoyed almost everything i enjoyed, but most of all she enjoyed me. i don't know if it was gay of me to just write down my dream, and if it is then oh well, but honestly, it was a good feeling. i hate when you dream up this perfect life, this perfect situation, this perfect girl, only to wake and find out your still stuck in your shit hole. i started to read choke last night, i hope i finish it before the movie comes out (july i think). registration is today and it was suppose to start at 6:00 but turns out there maintenance from 6:00 to 10:00. nice timing i guess. i really want to start playing world of warcraft again, i don't know why, all these talks with one of my co-workers just gave me a really bad itch for it. i really could use some inspiration in my life, more so motivation. i need something that will get me through the day with ease. something that will get me through the day with a smile

"Let's just all sell our souls and work for Satan. It'll be easier that way."

ever take a step back from your life, go into third person to really look at where you are and what your doing? are you ever disappointed at where your life currently stands. wonder what it be like if you made different choices, decided to take risks, be less timid in situations. American Beauty is a great movie, and i recommend it anyone who hasn't seen it. that movie has a really good meaning behind it, but it also makes me want to start smoking pot again really bad. i mean today has been nothing but signs saying i should start up again. i mean i could use the r&r it gives, a break from reality. i mean day in day out, my job is becoming less of a teenage trail, and more of an adult prison. my boss was talking to me about learning new trades, and how it will help rather then just being a cashier. to say i have experience in other potions, that i know the different flush systems of a toilet, or how to set up a fan in your house, or the difference between wine and rose. but fuck it, do i really want that. do i really want to say that i can do those things, that this is my job, my habit, my life. interesting enough, i almost let myself be content with mediocrity. depressing as it sounds, i was about to be fine working the job i had in high-school, rise the ranks, be nothing special, and die at the age of 19. i don't want to die just yet. i think im going to travel soon, to some place i just never been to, with a friend or by myself, i really couldn't answer you that, not right now at least. i think im going to do a lot of things this summer actually, hopefully ill stick to them though. i've lost touch with my inner will to live, and thats sad. i should take more risks, meet more people, do more things with my life, shit, i should smoke pot again, although that will probably make me more lazy then i already am, hmm, its going to be a long road

if you cant see the thin air then what the hell is in your way

don't get me wrong. i mean i do suffer from depression as do both my parents, but don't get me wrong i'm not a sad or dray person at all. infact i like to think i mask the sorrow pretty well given the situations i end up in. i know that some days you can completely tell that there is something up, and i do apologize. no one likes hanging around a gloomy person, it doesn't really help to make your day better. i think the best way of fighting depression is just living life and having a good time. enjoy the things you do and never regret the mistakes you make, all that corny bullshit like that. i don't know how or why, but i have become such an insomniac. i haven't slept earlier then two in over three days, and i haven't woken up any later then eight. six hours ain't that bad though, thats the average for most.

god i love my little brother, he is so young and innocent, and fucking smart. then again he does go to a school of people who aren't very smart. but still, he does have a brain. but it sucks, i see him going through some of the same shit i went through, luckily he has his brain though so it's not so bad. he's a good kid, he just doesn't have any emotions yet, its really annoying. he's a mischievous hell raiser just like i used to be, but instead he doesn't have manners at all, even around adults. but i think he'll turn out alright, so long as my parents don't fuck him up too. i haven't done a lot of things i said i would do, like start exercising, eating right, reading every night, practicing sets every night. i don't think i have any motivation in this house. i have nothing to call my own here, i can't write anything anywhere, i mean, i need some inspiration in my life, i need some motivation.

kurk is right about one thing, i am pretty pathetic when it comes to girls. i mean i've talked to some girls after allison, but it's been two years and i never took anything seriously. i really need to work on moving on, its been way to long since i had a girlfriend, and i am really ready to move on. but for christ sakes give me a brilliant mind, aesthetics are the least of my worries (don't get me wrong, she still has to be decent), give me a girl i actually want to talk to, that won't just gossip and tell me about her day. who isn't into herself or vain. give me a girl i can trust, someone who has no intention of hurting me on purpose. i mean it's been two years, but im still not going to settle. i just need to start looking, i need to keep an open mind to things, start meeting new people talking to new people, that stuff. i mean i miss the romance, i miss just being there for someone, i miss someone being there for me, i miss that security, that warmth of human contact. i don't know, maybe, hopefully, someday soon i'll meet my girl.

a sad soul can kill quicker than a germ - john steinbeck

i guess really, i guess really all i want to do here is just express my enter most feelings and emotions about things that i currently am dealing with. selfish, maybe, but well if you aren't interested then don't read. it's sad really when the time of livejournal used to be about letting go of yourself to the entire world. i almost miss that feeling of being able to just say what i want to say about anything to everyone and that they would in turn know my secretes. the most comforting thing about having a psychiatrist was being able to just let go of everything to a complete stranger who i would never see or encounter outside of his office. that was a surreal feeling of trust and relief. it's hard to let go to your friends, even your close ones. you think to yourself, will they judge me, will they tell others, will they even fucking care. and i've found times when i really didn't care about what was happening to a friend. hell i don't really give a shit about what most of my friends say (not saying all of them, just most). it's hard to let go in this day and age, truly, but there is no better time then the present so,

today was a terrible day, as most of the days of my life are. i found that the older you get, the harder it is to get out of a rut. work, sleep, work, sleep, i'm losing friends to a cash register and stiff futon. my new best friend is myself, and myself isn't a very good influence. today my mom wanted to me to move out again. i swear to God she begs me to move in, and out of a stuck of stupid luck and shear laziness my room mate moves out and i don't want to bother looking for a new one. so i come home, and home has just been a complete nightmare. i'm secluded away from everyone and everything in my life, closer to the one thing i don't want to be close to, my parents. i've lost my friends to an endless freeway. i mean the nerve of someone to bring me back home, give me no room, no privacy, no internal state of self peace. then to say i want you out, it's all really ridiculous to me. i can't say i had a good childhood. i can't say i had good teen years. i fucking beg to christ i can say that everything is going to be uphill now, but it's hard to break momentum. the only thing my parents thought me is what not to do when raising kids. i'm not going to spoil them with material things rather the time and attention. i'm not going to seclude them from the world, from making friends, to feeling small and scared. i'm not going to move them school to school to school and have them make new friends and lose others. i'm not going to make them wait hours as they watch the other kids get picked up and go home, then be sent to the office because the teachers watching need to go home as well. i'm not going to hurt my kids, tell them lies, make them hate themselves for never being able to be perfect, to get all A's no matter how hard they tried, talk them down, tell them they'll never amount to anything, tell them they are worthless, make them feel petty, insecure, and meaningless. i am not going to make my kids go through that. kids only look up to you so long until they find themselves. i used to be full of life, energetic, a hell raiser at school, but always polite to adults. i remember when i got my first pink slip in kindergarden, i remember being beaten, i remember being told that because of this i'll never get into college, i'll never have a good job, i'll never be anything. oh, i fucking remember the crying, the fear, the pain. the term "scared straight" never had more meaning to me. and maybe i was a fuck up, maybe i did do things the way i wasn't suppose to, but fuck i was a kid, just a damn kid. i guess my parents thought i never would learn unless i was thought a lesson. well it worked, i still have that lesson stuck to me. now i'm a depressed 19 year old boy living in a home of bad memories. the people i hold most dear to me aren't last very long, with my aunt who took me in when i was kicked out gone, and my grandfather who stood up for me all the time in the hospital, it seems like my saviors are becoming scarce. the hardest part, is that no matter how hard i try to get there love, i never will. i don't think i'll ever come to terms with that. they've influenced me more then they think. i've learned from my parents, how to let someone step all over you, how to hold your feelings in till it burst into pure anger, how to buy love with material things, how to lie, cheat, and steal, how to smoke and not let anyone know, how to cheat on someone you say you love, how to throw around meaningful words with such caress, how to hate myself. i've learned all these things from my parents. i could honestly go on with things but, i rather save some stuff for later